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| ***EDIT***
its 3 am, im studying for an exam and a lot has come up so i just need to let it all out:
here are all the things that have been bothering me
- I dont feel safe in my own home (my house on campus) because one of us got robbed at gunpoint, now i feel like when i walk at night around my neighborhood im gonna get mugged (which apparently is normal around my area)
- Ive kind of been a dick to my recent ex because maybe ive shunned the fact that i am still not over it (not to say im gonna get back with her, i still think it was the right decision)
- Adding on to that, ive kind of went a bit crazy with the whole single life again, made some bad decisions, but at the moment the current person im kind of seeing kind of scares me, meaning im not sure what she wants out of this, but at the moment im pretty sure this has turned into a friends with benefits type deal. This is the one thing i always wanted to avoid, but i think ive gotten a bit too deep into this situation <<<EDIT>>> Apparently the girl im currently seeing can never be with me, because im not korean, great way to tell me now. Im supposed to just be ok with hooking up with her and not pursue anything more...wowww, this sucks. Most guys would kill to just have a girl around with no attachments needed, but i realized im not that type of guy. Apparently her parents hate non koreans. Her older sister dated a viet guy and she got a lot of shit for it...sucks that im not korean, sucks more that im half viet. Ive never been barred from going out with a girl due to race...maybe this is why i never had much luck with korean girls, i always heard korean parents were prideful/racist, but this is retarded.
- My fraternity just got banned from college park for four years due to serving alcohol with minors and someone gave a possible recruit some weed, so no more Pi Delta Psi. This has been bugging me a LOT lately, its really sad to say that we dont exist here anymore.
- Speaking of weed, i have been smoking way too much pot and i honestly dont know how to curb it. But to those who say its a bad drug, fuck them all because its not as harmful as cigs and it wont give me a higher chance of risking my life compared to alcohol. I just wish i didnt rely on it so much to make myself feel better when times have gotten out of hand and tough
- I have no idea what i want to do with my future still, im not sure if this major will work out for me, its all apart of my risky plan to do what i assume is gonna pay out in the long run. And adding on to that i think my parents are getting fed up with how i dont seem to be progressing into an able adult at my age
- Im turning 21 soon and it scares the hell out of me, i dont feel like ive accomplished much
- I think that the cigarettes have finally affected my lungs to the point where i get random coughs and walking for 30 mins has me breathing uneasily.
- I've been looking back at a lot of things lately and its making me a bit too sentimental to the point where i wish i could turn back time and redo everything or in the very least to relive it all even through the bad times.
- Speaking of sentimental, my other ex gf called me out of the blue to see how i was doing and i basically told her all of this and she started crying over the phone which made me feel bad. Somehow i think the crying goes a bit deeper than that
I think at this point in my life has gotta be the lowest ive ever been. Im not sure how to gain a foothold onto the right path but i havent given up hope yet. I just wish i could be a better person for myself and those around me. I kind of miss my old friends, and i miss certain people who used to be close to me but now arent. I realized that college has made me distant from a lot of people who truly cared for me and hopefully they think of me time to time too. I think ive finally matured enough to admit that ive fucked up as a person and this is where i need to start going in the right direction. I hope that one day, i can convince everyone who saw me as immature, rash and ignorant will see that i am an able bodied adult...i just hope its soon
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| Last night my house got robbed, and my housemate got robbed at gunpoint, while i was asleep only to awaken to the guys running out the house...i feel very unsafe and can only imagine what would have happened if things went down the wrong way...damn, i dont even want to walk out at night anymore.
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| first chance i fucking get im gonna stab that mofo from cornell lambdas
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| So i usually dont like talkin about this subject but its been bugging me so im gonna use this as an outlet for myself since no one looks here anyways...if someone is taking the time to read this even though ive taken the lengths to make it too much of a hassle for you to read, then so be it. Just take what i say as nonsense and humor me.
So in the past 20 yrs i dont think ive done much significantly with my life. To some people i was and to one person i still am considered the person who is significant enough to have a future with. That might be the only significance ive served. Im not sure why i am worthy of such devotion. Being loved is something not to be taken lightly, however, i do that a lot. As ive grown older i blurred the lines between casual dating and legitimate relationships that could forge themselves into real futures. I'm not sure if shes the right one, im not sure if any were. Maybe the first girl, maybe the second, or third, or fourth, or etc., or maybe im just fucking retarded and take things way more seriously than need be. But i cant seem to shake off this guilt that maybe im ruining someones life because of my actions and not cherishing the unconditional nature of peoples feelings for me. Maybe its because i dont value my own life enough so i dont value those people either in comparison.
I dont say this to many people, and i dont like to because it goes against my happy-go-lucky nature, so it doesnt occur to me that this should be an issue that i should bring up because i dont think id ever go through with it. I have thought about suicide on many occasions, thought it over in my head, weighed out the consequences or how it would affect my family or friends. Its because of those people that i never really went through with it, although ive been tempted. Even though i talk about it here, i really dont want to talk to anyone about it because its a ridiculous thought. I dont believe my life is harder than others, i believe i have the capability of making my life better. I just chose not to. That also why i didnt go through with it when i drove along bridges and contemplated plummeting off. I dont have a right to end my life because my life isnt even worth it. It's too easy of a way out for me.
So what do i do about it? I'm trying to figure out my future, doing it poorly however. Ive set my goals, although not well organized or if even plausible; but thats what will occupy my thoughts to keep me motivated. So i smoke cigs to keep me focused and relieved, and i smoke weed so i can actually put everything aside so i can just think pleasant thoughts. At least when im high i see how ridiculous suicide would be. Im surprised im even writing about this while not high, if it werent for class tomorrow i probably would be smoking a blunt...fuck, idk why im even writing this crap. Maybe im getting a bit too caught up in this self-worth existentialism bullshit.
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